I Found Something: Bothersome Years (Part 2)

"...I was feeling some unusual energy flowing within my body. And it’s terrible every time it’s there because I begin to become depressed again. It’s just too weird. There was a strong energy in my heart that’s jumpstarting the depression. It was like consciously and intentionally being implanted there."


After the 10 chaotic years of my life, I slowly began to understand what the world wanted from me. It wanted me to learn my lessons. Earth is the real school after all. I started to forgive. I forgave everyone that hurt me. But most importantly, I tried to forgive myself. But the questioning never stopped there. I was still looking for answers but, this time, I wasn’t angry with God anymore. My questioning was no longer focused on the uselessness of life. I also thought I needed answers to some things that were bothering me since age 25—the year I decided to pick up the pieces, the beginning of the next 5 years. Maybe I should itemize them to make it look organized.

Some of these bothered me for 5 years, some during childhood, and just a few at the present. Most of them are already gone. I am now having different experiences, which I can say have gone up to the next level and which I will be discussing in the later parts.

Here they are:

1. I suddenly had depression. And when I say sudden, it was like one day I was OK and the next day my depression began. I felt an unusual fear that I never had before. Everyday, I was anxious for no reason at all.

2. I was often awakened by this burning feeling on my spine in the middle of the night.

3. I wanted to go home, but where? I just know that I missed being in commune with nature.

4. I suddenly had health issues. I often had rapid heartbeats and difficulty in breathing, which I mistook for hypertension or high blood pressure. So, I thought maybe I just needed some exercise and to watch my diet. But it went away for sometime so I thought there’s nothing wrong with me. But then sometimes it would come back bothering me again, and now it’s totally gone! I had a very disturbing but sporadic abdominal cramps. I’ve had episodes of sudden pain inside my brain that wasn’t a typical headache. It was a stinging pain concentrated in one tiny area of my brain. I had sinusitis for the first time. Then it disappeared. Then it would come back. Now it’s totally gone. Same with dizziness, I was feeling dizzy all the time for no reason at all and episodes of blurring eyesight. I had my eyes checked, nothing’s wrong. Then I decided maybe it was vertigo. I went to a hospital in Manila and had my dizziness checked. My mistake was, I came in and told the doctor I had vertigo without letting him check me first. Then the doctor just took a blood sample and concluded that it indeed was vertigo. At least he administered anti-dizziness meds.

5. In my many years of troublesome existence, I felt that I did not belong here on Earth. That this is not my home. I wanted to disappear, but where? But I’m not really the suicidal type of person so I was still able to push myself to go on living.

6. I do not want to bear a child or have children. I consider this bothersome because at my age everyone’s into having one. But I just couldn’t feel anything that’s attracting me towards that destiny.

7. I suddenly thought of pork and beef with disgust for no health reasons at all. And so I began to avoid eating them. But I still ate fish and chicken. Now I’m a vegetarian.

8. This next one bothered me since childhood days: I was different. I always asked myself, “Why can’t I be like the others? Why am I always the weird one?”

9. I never had a clear goal. I did not know my expertise. I always had a hard time finding a job that I wanted mainly because I didn’t know what I could do for this chaotic world. The unusual thing about this was that I knew that I was so much talented and intelligent but it seemed really hard for me to fit-in in the corporate world. Then I realized that I could not escape this reality and so I applied as a writer because I knew this is something I’m good at. I bravely applied for a Writer position aware of not having any professional background in this field. I got accepted because of my sample writings. The genre of my writing has been revolving around spirituality ever since I began to learn how to write.

10. The most peculiar of all was when I was feeling something in my body that I could not understand. How the hell is that possible? Every time that I felt it I’d say, “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” This went on for 4 to 5 years. The best possible description I could give is that I was feeling some unusual energy flowing within my body. And it’s terrible every time it’s there because I begin to become depressed again. It’s just too weird. There was a strong energy in my heart that’s jumpstarting the depression. It was like consciously and intentionally being implanted there.

11. I have had episodes of waking up in the middle of the night and could totally NOT remember where I am. I had to literally look at my surroundings to remind myself where I am. It seems that while asleep I got lost somewhere.

12. I’ve had experiences in the past wherein, while asleep, I would know exactly what time it is before I could even open my eyes to see the time. This has nothing to do with body clock because it happened in different times. But this happened only a few times.

13. There were some occurrences wherein I thought my thoughts just presented to me what’s going to happen in the next few hours. I ignored my thoughts, then after a while ended up saying, “I knew it was going to happen!”

14. I am not sure if it’s strange that I hated people. Maybe a lot of people hate people, too. But mine was disturbing because I think of every person I encounter as an enemy. And so I tend to isolate myself from people in general. Not because I had violent tendencies. I just didn’t like being mixed up with people. You can just imagine my everyday struggle.

Believe it or not, aside from books, it was also through the Internet that I was able to find out why these were happening to me. The digital world is a friendly place after all. Logically, if there were any information that you would want the whole world to know, what medium would you use? I thought the Internet is the best way to inform the whole of humanity. But it is imperative that in surfing the net, the information you choose must be the real ones. All information can be validated in many ways now. I guess the only people getting the wrong information from the Internet are those that do not know which information or website to trust. And, with the cyber regulations that have been going on now, I think the Internet can still be one of the reliable places to navigate in search for answers. Besides, the truth can always be found within each of us. All other means to the truth will just serve as your guide. The rest is up to you. Click here for the continuation.